Bipolar Disorder, otherwise known as Manic/Depressive Syndrome is a mental illness that millions live with in the present including Buzz Aldrin, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Sting. Many historical figures lived with it as well including Winston Churchill, Vincent Van Gogh, Virginia Wolf  and, Florence Nightingale to name a few.  It manifests itself with periods of high energy, creativity, recklessness, poor judgement based on distorted perceptions of self and others and hyperfocus that doesn’t allow for other factors or people to be considered followed by periods of deep and disabling depression  that leads to thoughts of or attempts at suicide.  Not every person has all (and more) of these symptoms and “periods” can be experienced from short phases ( day to day or week to week) to long phases (month to month or year to year) or, in my case very long (years to years).  I experienced years of manic or mania followed by sudden deep depression that lasted for years.  

There is no cure. 

All totaled, I began my journey with Bipolar Disorder at age 19 and I wasn’t stable until age 55.  I spent approximately 36 years literally out of control.  And what does “out of control mean?”  I want to tell the story here as simply as I can without over dramatising or providing names or making summations I can’t quantify.  I also don’t want to over simplify the events of my 36 years with active, unchecked Bipolar either, so I’ll do my best at being very objective.

At age 19 I was married and had a daughter and was working at a candy factory.  It was an ordinary life with friends, going to church, family gatherings, etc.  And then I made a Cursillo Men’s Retreat and had a conversion experience that changed my life completely.  I felt called to be “an Apostle for Christ” sharing my gifts with whoever I can, wherever I was.  I was “blooming” where I was planted and began getting very involved in the small local Catholic Church.  During the first few months after that experience, I began hearing songs in my head; songs about family, faith and the love of God.  I found someone to teach me the guitar and after a few weeks, I was learning about the Mass and Liturgical Music and devouring anything related to the Catholic Church’s teaching, Liturgy and Scripture.  

In short, this new purpose for my life opened the door to seeing myself as someone who was not only special but called by God to be His voice, His presence…Him. And what made matters worse, I was getting enormous amounts  adulation, attention, invitations all validating my new perception of self.  My music began to be appreciated and popular.  I had people asking for (and sponsoring) two albums, I was being asked to speak at conventions, do concerts all over the country, give retreats and workshops on all sorts of topics.  And the more popular I became, the less in touch with myself I became.   All of this was lived in a manic phase lasting eight years.

It culminated in meeting someone who embodied all of the adulation and popularity I received in one person.  I left my family for her thinking this was God’s will. And over the course of another year, I lost my connection with the Church, lost the mania that kept me going for days without food or sleep, lost the confidence in who I was.  I went into my first deep, disabling depression and attempted suicide for the first time.  I left my new love and went back to my family and my wife and I had another son.  But the mania returned and for another four years, I slowly but surely out of control leaving my family again and losing my beloved job as a Program Director for a Catholic Radio station.  I went into another phase of depression and things continued to get dark for years.  

After several odd jobs, I was offered a position as music director at a parish where I met MyBeloved, Linda.  She proposed to me but added these words, “I want to spend my life with you but, I would rather live alone loving you than to be with you and Bipolar.  You have to deal with being Bipolar.”  And I did.

We were married in 2003 and I had begun my journey with Bipolar to becoming stable.  However, stable means years of counseling and medication trials.  No one cocktail of meds is right for all and I tried several.  At one point, the meds were so bad, I went into a deep depression and attempted suicide twice in one week.  That was the last of it as I finally landed on a medication mix that has kept me stable, along with many years of counseling, family support and grace.

I have given this reflection the title of “Living With Bipolar Disorder” because there is no cure.  And I can’t begin to assess if my music is and/or was the product of living with Bipolar since age 19 or, if I would have been even more prolific or completely tone deaf.  I hope that I would not have made the terrible decisions to leave my family, twice if I didn’t live with Bipolar.  I still try to make sense of my life as it was in context of what I know and experienced.  Gratefully, all of my children (and grandchildren) and my ex-wife are very, very close.  My parents, siblings, nieces and nephews are very close.  It took hard work for all of us who lived through those years to reconcile and forgive. 

But it’s not over yet.  You see, there is a big difference between living with something and knowing it’s there (like the elephant in the room) and, living WITH something and respecting it for what it is. I am so deeply aware I have Bipolar that I can feel a manic phase beginning as well as a depressive phase pushing me down.  I can see the signs and hear the thoughts in my head.  When that happens, I don’t run and hide or given in.  It’s just a part of who I am and I embrace it as a friend who has taught me about life, faith, love, family, truth, music, struggle, sadness, joy, and relationships.  

I will, as long as I live, live WITH Bipolar.

David